When people are in conflict, they often break off communications in order to find ways to get what they want in spite of the demands of the other party. They don't want the other party to know what they are doing or planning to do. Typically, they are angry with the other party. Because of this opposition, their needs are in danger of not being met. People may bring their complaints to leaders instead of dealing with each other. This breakdown of communications is a formidable barrier to a win-win resolution of the conflict.

It takes a great deal of skill for two people to resolve their conflict without the help of a third party. Emotions and defensiveness get in the way of reason and communication. When members of the work group are in conflict, leaders and coworkers can "bring the parties to the bargaining table" and help them take the necessary steps of conflict resolution. Only then can people listen to each other's needs and explore possible areas of agreement. Only then can they brainstorm together to find alternative solutions that are mutually beneficial.

The people who gave you feedback may feel that you don't encourage people who are in conflict to communicate with each other.

• They may feel that people can't resolve conflict on their own.
• They may want you to intervene in conflict and office politics.
• You may feel that people should resolve their own conflicts.
• You may not want to get involved in other people's conflicts.
• You may be afraid that getting involved will make matters worse.
• You may not know how to get people to communicate with each other.
• You may be discouraged about previous attempts to mediate conflicts.

• If the comments in your report do not describe in enough detail why you received a relatively low rating, consider asking the people who rated you for more specific examples of your actions.

• Perhaps the people who work around you expect more of you than you realize. Tell them that you want people in conflict to communicate with each other. Ask them what improvements they would like to see in the way you encourage this communication.

• Identify someone who encourages others to resolve their conflicts. If possible, study this person's on-the-job behavior. Consider asking this person to observe you and give you feedback.

• Think of a time when people in conflict insisted on dealing through you rather than communicating with each other. How did you feel? What impact did this have on your ability to resolve the conflict?

• The next time you discover that members of your work group are in opposition, notice whether you encourage them to communicate with each other directly. Did you recommend a meeting? Did you volunteer to help the communication?

• You may feel uneasy about addressing a conflict, even though you know it is one of your responsibilities. It will always seem difficult and unpredictable. It's one of the most challenging things a coworker can do, because people are imperfect, complex and strong-willed.

• Recognize that avoiding the issue could be disastrous. Conflicts usually produce some bad feelings, and if they are not addressed and resolved, emotions can fester and compound over time, poisoning team relationships. Conflicts can escalate into battles, and battles can escalate into wars.

• Your involvement is needed because the conflicting parties probably will not be thinking about reasonable, effective approaches to conflict resolution. They will be thinking about winning. Meet with each person separately at first. Tell the individuals that you want them to communicate directly to work it out. Tell them that you will help them get started.

• When people come to you with complaints about other members of the group, this is the signal for you to help them resolve the conflict. The first step is to tell them that they will have to work out their differences with each other. Tell them that you will help them resolve the conflict by insisting on good interpersonal communication.

• In the initial meeting, to make sure they get involved in the process, tell them you will be involving them in the following steps:

1. Get both parties to say what they want.
2. Determine how much they already agree on.
3. Ask both parties to state the needs that are driving their wants.
4. Ask the creative question: What options will satisfy both needs?
5. Get them to brainstorm ways to satisfy both needs.
6. Determine mutually acceptable options.

• Consider believing in and doing things based on these positive attitudes:

"Most conflict is healthy, but only if resolved successfully."

"When people are in conflict, my goal is to help them communicate."

Muldoon, Brian. The Heart of Conflict. New York: Berkley Publishing Group, 1997.

Stone, Douglas, et al. Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. New York: Viking, 2000.

Wall, Bob. Working Relationships: The Simple Truth about Getting Along with Friends and Foes at Work. Palo-Alto, CA: Davies-Black Publishing, 1999.